Well, moving in with my really great friend turned out to be the worst idea.
While he was helping me move & I was unable to move from my bed, he was using one hand, one arm, the other arm just flailing in the wind, to move my bankers boxes. Bankers boxes are those cardboard ones you fold and assemble & they have a lid. He thought I was just being a bitch, but I was legitamately concerned the lid will come off and my stuff would fall out and break, or the handle would tear. He acted like I was being ridiculous and didn't want to do it *my* way. It's been hell ever since I told him to use both hands. He told me he's not my fuckin errand boy.
The thing is, somewhere ,somehow this guy decided I'm critical. Too critical. That box incident isn't the only completely illogical thing he's fought me on either. Not by a long shot.
It's absolutely horrible to be told you're crazy and stupid and ugly and horrible every day, multiple times a day. But, he's even threatened to hurt my cats, tamper with my drinking water, and call the cops to have me taken to a mental hospital. We have a written and signed contract in which he agreed to never threaten to take me to the mentala hospital and he STILL did it.
Oh, but he had an excuse. This guy is nothing but a sorry excuse, but he's not ever sorry.
He'd told me earlier that day that he hates my tone of voice, the words I use, and even my texting manner. So, after he shut my cat in his room (cuz he's distracted and careless and oblivious) she really kept wanting to get in there. Wanting to nip that behavior in the bud I diligently stood in the dark hallway outside his and my bedroom doors and just pushed Miso away with my foot everytime she approached the door. Didn't want to make a sound; the less interaction the better. Treading lightly upon time/space requires zipped lips.
JC came out of his room and saw me standing there & assumed I was up to no good & began antogonizing me. He went to the bathroom and followed him to that door and back to his, figuring if I was on his heels Miso wouldnt' be and if he can notice me following him, then he can notice a cat too.
One time he opened his door a huge cockroach skittered out of the beam of light. I silenty assisted him in catching it & it was super fortunate, I felt, that I was standing in the hallway doin me so we
could catch the mother of all cockroaches.
Here's this atheist, pissy as hell about being given the silent treatment, convinced I'm doing him harm by thinking evil thoughts at him. He threatened me, he welcomed the cat I was in the process of training right into his room. The situation escalated. I eventually spoke to him and told him my intentions for being in the hallway are wholly benevolent and explained myself. He told me that was bullshit and called me liar and we argued briefly before he refused to talk to me.
I took the bait.
Here is the basics of it tho. He threatened to call the police and tell them I was having a psychotic episode because I was standing int he hallway.
The weird power struggle and control issues feel so tenth grade to me.
He's not my boyfriend anymore, he damamged my hearse cuz he just wasn't thinking, and after that incident in the hallway he had the audacity to take my vehicle to work that day. I'd been texting him and telling him I need to get those kieys back. Honesly thougth it was just slipping his mind.
I go up to him one night & say I'm gonna need you to give me the keys to my hearse. He ignored me. I repeated myself so many times that night. He wanted to talk about it & I told him there's nothing to talk about, no discussion willl be had, I don't owe you any explanation, they're my keys.
He leaned heavily upon the techniality that he paid 4 bux to make those copies, saying that they're his and also he said that he's been using them so long that they're his. Like WTF?! I didn't expect this to be a thing at all. But he sat there with the keys in his hand, telling me to talk to him about this, then he starts trying to bend them. I ahd to leave the room. I wanted to strangle him.
I came back and demanded my keys & he told me he broke them & threw them away.
That's how the trash came into play.
I didn't want tolet him demean me like tat & told him to get the keys out of the trash & he quipped an, "I'm not ever gonna do that" and smirked. So, I slapped him across the face & went to the kitchen to grab the trash. "I told him he could get the keys out of the trash or I can pick them up off his bed & headed to his room.
He mustve thought I was full of shit cuz even with me standing over his bed with thte bag titlted he still refused. Ony then did it occur to me that they might not even be in there. He is a liar. I dumped a very small portion of trash & he got all pissed, grabbed the bag, and said he was gonna dumped the rest of it on my bed as he headed to my bedroom. I shouldered him aawy from my door and did the only thing I could think of; I tore the bag open right there in the hallway so it couldn't be dumped in my room.
Now, he's got it in his head that I'm not remembering right. He claims he wasn't gonna dump it on my bed, but was gonna take it out. That's a lie. He thinks he can make me question my reality, but I was stone cold sober and sane. He'd been drinking and smoking pot when I first treid to get my keys.
For days he tried to gaslight me about what went on. Said I slapped him before he threw the keys away; little things. I can't tell if he really beieves his own bullshit or he really thinks I'm crazy. And I'm not sure which is worse.
The trash was in the hallway for a few days. He's such a child. He even packed it against my door each night. We have roaches as is & I'm sure he was trying to get me infested. Pretty fucked he'll handdle garbage to antagonize me, but is too good to pick it up.
A couple days later we talked and it turned to fighting. I got upset and cried over the fact that he thinks so little of me and calls me delusional for not being atheist like he is. He came over and gave me the most heartfelt (sounding) apology. As he spoke I just cried harder & harder. I didn't buy it. I wanted it to be real, but somehow I had a great deal of doubt. I did not accept his apology. I said nothing.
Thirty minutes later we were arguing again & it turned out he absolutely still believed me to be evil and full of shit. I was right; not a sincere apology.
I learned that night what an impressive liar he is. The next day was father's day.
As he set up a card project for his daughter we got to talking. Real talk. I told him that I couldn't give him a sincere apology for standing in the hallway. What I stated was truth; I was there with benevolent intention. I reminded him of my belesf; that everything happens for a reason. I felt the raoch thing was a sign letting me know I was doin good. We talked about we each both feel like the other only seems to be a good person, but isn't. And how it feels like we are more than close friends when we're getting along. It's odd to not be kissing, even right then, as we spoke softly of my spiritual belief structure.
I told him that I only meet soul mates & I believe that we are in one anothers life for a reason. And I talked about my past experiences. The really wild stuff that even I would like to chalk up to being insane. He and I have a similar story of trying to get a job when we were told & not being belived e wewre trying. I see a lot of my old power minded self in him. I want to help with his deprogramming. By the end I asked him if he could remove religion connotation from the equation and not jump to all the things he'll never believe in....instead, just look at our life; do you think there might actually be a plan? And he admitted that with all he's experienced, all we've been thru, maybe life isn't meaningless after all.
What a victory. What a good deep feeling good feeling. I got thru.
He also admitted that he does get inklings and *might* maybe be resisting all forms of spiritual awareness BECAUSE he's got a pretty keen awareness of the unseen himself.
He wasn't wrong about me thinking evil thoughts at him. As he is my friend, a person I love, as he is a mirror, I fought *remarkably* hard to hold love and light. It was only in the dark, in the silence, with no distraction that I was able to steer my intentions away from willing all kinds of horrible things on JC. It makes sense that someone tuned so well to the negative would not even notice the prsence of benevolence or realize I was in a battle.
I told him that. Along with the why of me being in the hallway. Those thoughts were what led me to flee my room. I didnt' want to soak it in bad vibes; it needs to be my happy place. As I rushed out I caught Miso go up to JC's door and scratch at it & then I knew that I was being divinely guided.
Plunged into darkness, I realized I am light. With nothing to distract me from my thoughts I noticed that they were evil whispers before they were seething rage boiling within me, freezing me in my tracks lest I act on the hideous viloent visions. I caught them quicker. It's like I was ticking forward and back, good to evil. I'd focus on my friend and remember that I love him and before I knew it I'd be summoning death to come claim us both. This isn't my first experience with loving a bad perosn.
I used to stand outside Sean's older borther's door. I'd do it from my room. Just like here, the bedroom doors are mirrors of one antoher. I knew so well that I was jealous of him being able to play video games and never even be forced to get a job. 35 and he does only what he wants, never helps out around the house, is mean and judgmental to everyone, yet will always have a roof over his head. He doesnt sleep well and was has zobie dreams too. I feel like so, there but for the grace of god go I , with him. He only *doesn't* kill himself due to his relgious upbringing, but he hates himself and is so thorougly unhappy he doesnt even enjoy himself while he's playing video games all day.
Sean hates his brother, but won't express it. He sorta hates his family, but he won't say anything to their faces. It's the real reason he smokes so much pot. He has to keep a lid on it. He thinks being hoest about he sees them won't change them. But doesn't understand it's not about changing them; it's about freeing himself from the cycle of disgust and resentmet. (holy crap that's an aha moment [texts him])
He'd have to share his interactions with his family memebers as soon as he got back to the room. He unloaded dozens of very concrete reasons to despise his family every month. And still, I just worked on loving them. I thought they were my family. I thought I was theirs.
The whispers become a roar with me quickly, but what if some people, what if all people let those whisper tracks run, never tracking the program, becuase we're all so distracted?
