December 22, 2013 ~ Life Isn't Good Enough; It is Good

Today was lovely.

I felt like I needed to live better. A lot of the reason is for all of you. I was aware of the several ways I could choose to feel as tho my day & life were ruined today. I don't deserve your attention if I don't at least try to have a good day (one worth sharing ) by doing the only thing I have ever done ( all I know how ) :go with the flow, trusting myself to be carried gently to the highest level of happiest I can possibly manage given my mostly unpleasant circumstance of living.

We got much snow & even without glasses it's beautiful to look at. I played Animal Crossing & saw a football fish for the first time. I watched a good movie ( Crystal Fairy ) despite how much I loathe the being of Cera. That first choice to enjoy my lot in life seemed to have a domino effect. I decided to have scrambled eggs, toast, and hot cocoa for breakfast ( i made the toast & cocoa), corn dogs for lunch, and taco bell for dinner. I watched a lot of Xmas cartoons plus watched 2 new un -sane adorbz epees of Friendship is Magic on the flatscreen. I laughed & played & I felt loved.

I took care not to over-do my activity tho I really did wish ever so much I could go out, in the fresh snow, to the grocery store. And I wanted to dance around and be silly. I got all the shopping I'm doing for the holidays done & postage confirmed. None of the peoples I have gifts for are tryin to get em by a certain date & that's so nice to truly not worry. There's not even a tree to put gifts under. December with little to no Christmas is much less stresfull than any and all of the ones that came before it.

I FINALLY figured out how to qualify to be a contestant in the brow game; my right brow is nearly half an inch higher than my left from when my muscles froze on one side of my face for almost a year & I plucked accordingly to hide my damage. Not sure why the bloody hell it took soo long for me to see this. I guess I just am so critical when scrutinizing my face I never stopped to think that there was hope for improvement. I did no crafting & thus was able to pluck my brows til I was done, which n-e-e-e-e-ver-r-r-r-r happens. I didn't stop cuz steady hands expired, but cuz I was finished. The elation I experience from this fact is astoundingly great.  I do look a right fright now, but I'm starting off the new year with a good chance of being beautiful and symmetrical again after many years of being very much not.

Sleep deprived so thriving more than yoosh, ya know.
I still got fatigued.
It still hurt to just sit up.
My knees ache.
My hands ache from using them so much.
My posture was bad all day, so I'll have headaches later.
I was paranoid and itchy
I got burned out a few times BUT CAME BACK enuff to function.
I tot-uh-lay cheated on my diet!
My hair is oddly very dirty just one full day after washing.
( but it looks pre spiff, yo )
And it still hurt ( A LOT ) that the warmth I once shared with the one I Iove is inexplicably absent.

I had to be hard, very still and ice hearted for awhile and when I embraced all that unpleasantness it got over with & the clouds seemed to bust up and reveal the sun to day.

(he was nice to me & not grudgee helpful or cross at all & we had fun like we used to just like *he* wants for our relationship & it's just a part of why my day was good & i almost feel like it wont' end with me bawling to sleep. i feel like it reveals weakness & discredits everything else I've written to share that. but the truth is I allowed for times to be good even tho life is not what I had or what I most desire...and these times became good...with little mind paid to "good enough" )

When i was low i wanted to, but I didn't start a fight to incite passion.
I didn't let *my* grief ruin my day or his.

Now, the day is done. I may cry. I am going to watch My Little Pony and really *see* it now that I watch from the convenience of my lap; it's like I get to watch for the first time all over again {Fluttershy yay}

I thank you all for being part of my life. Even if you're just a stranger for now, know I do love you & appreciate whatever of your truth you shared & I found that helped me get through my hard times, put a smile on my face, or just helped me *feel* I'm not alone.

[used to be when I wrote a complete share & was with it enuff to do so I'd check the Mayan date & slap it in the title or even pull a great rwrap-up out of my ass, so I'll just check now of out habit & let ya know: whoah, that's hellafied fokkin heavy yo. Dec 22, 2013 = 6 Transformer. 6 is flow & my very number which mayan belief means that's like legit why you are alive & shit & transformer is life, death, and rebirth & is srlsy one of the reasons the mayan ways ring true for me cuz i don't think death is death at all, but the transition from this life to another life..i just don't think I have any lives left, yo, cuz I burn bridges lyk a pyro]