I don't know how to proceed with name

I don't know how to do this. I need help so this is a turd thst is soo gogood.  It's an episode of my life, if i could print this and read it before or after the video it'd be a good blog.  I already have to intro for in to be a video on my YouTube channel.

I just am not proud of ANY of it now.  I am tied after my fine hour full day after my fine hour good sleep.

[Video start: "hi(gh) vibrrz"]

Rap: "I am Mindy.  Mindy is not easy to digest.  If i were I'd be eaten up by now i guess."

[Roll playing video i am ashamed of now]

[Episode]

Im not good at naming things.  I played today & I'm really happy for that fact.  Really proud.  This is a huge accomplishment for me & it took hours of silence. 

 Mindy fact: can't deal with silence so tv always on, music triggers & also encourages movement, but Mindy also can't handle picking what to listen to cuz that's too big of a choice & too hard of a choice. 

So, i was sooo happy that i wanted to save my place & just get on record that i am still capable of play.  I forget that I'm too tired & think that I'm just good as dead & gone...yes because i cannot play with toys.

But, big shiny *BUTT* the truth is that my help person left me & without them i am all used up, brain energy wise, from taking care of the things that need doing.  And without someone here irl to talk to i have to kinda rediscover how to speak & be myself.

At the start of playing with legos i almost downgraded my activity.  As i sat and took the intended instruction set apart i was so full of judgement. So full you guiz!

I thought how pathetic this is.  I used to be able to build amazing things and when i would stop comparing myself to others, and how they might be doing better or worse than me, i was just shifting that focus of judgement to myself & doing this completely useless thing of  ... Remembering how i was & who i was & how capable i was before i was brain damaged & physically ill.  

Altogether now, [eyeroll]

Completely useless right?!  I know.  And it was only by putting my ahttention on the blocks in my hands & releasing egoic attachments was i able to set my inntention in a proper frame & follow through with creation.

What do you think my intention was?  

What would yours be?

Build etwas good? Yeah.

Build etwas that would impress?  Oh well it's not about that, but i used to want to build to make my parents proud of me; specifically my dad. 

Gotta phwew, let that go. No one here to make proud cept me.  And if i don't give up on me if anger or frustration or depression then I'll be proud.  In other words if i can be patient then i will be proud.  But ive already been QUIET so i am yes oh so proud of me already.

That was a bunch of thought stuff for framing intention huh?  

Phwew.  But i think a frame of patience with only myself & no one to impress cuz i already love who i am today & am proud of it.... This is skill building no matter what happens with the Legos. Well that's gonna make a good smooth canvas.

I crunched that mantis all up & looking at those same pieces, through the lens of patience & perseverance & self love, i saw things differently & when that thought popped up of  brown being ugly (cuz it shore does yo i live in a pastel dreamworld) i easily countered with "there are things that are brown that i like, like treeeeees"

I was great at telemarketing lemme tell ya.  The first rule of selling things over the phone is to not accept any excuses.  That means you have rebuttal bullets in the chamber & like battling any enemy you just shoot till the line is dead.  Easy & fun job to have.

As it so happens the skill of recognizing patterns of unwelcome negativity transfers beautifully to reprogramming your own mind.   IE: functioning with mental illness

Mental illness gives you all kinds of excuses.  But if what you want is peace of mind and happiness you have to learn to recognize the patterns.  Journaling helps with this lots. If you meditate or stew then you'll hear really similar phrases.  And theys just as empty and meaningless as those strangers over the phone words were to me. 

Learn to recognize the excuses & get ready for em.  Make a script and role play with someone else.  By roleplaying you will hear new excuses & learn new responses to old excuses.

This is no different than insult sword fighting on melee island, my friends.  

I feel like a teacher going to waste over here, I swear.

Ultimately your goal is just to be happy in the present & you take out every one of those enemies who tries to take you out of your flow.  (Hosh ja enter the ninja)

Learn to protect yourself from yourself.  Don't let you keep you from being happy in the moment. 

I was so happy in the moment.  After the fact all this happened.  And i dont know whether anyone can help me write a book or a better script or make a video, so don't know if there's any point in saving this hard won nugget of wisdom.  I'd do so only in hope that i could run it thru & make it more palatable, easier to digest.

[Video start: "hi(gh) vibrrz"]

Rap: "I am Mindy.  Mindy is not easy to digest.  If i were I'd be eaten up by now i guess. Mindy mindy mindy "on repeat til fade out