I Think Im a Broken or Currupt Shaman

I have no third eye practically these days. I'm very physically ill.  So most of this is veey past tense.

Its like i don't respect boundaries. I don't feel the separation a human typically does and without meaning to i would puddle into other humans & hear their thoughts or know them intimately.

When i finally had sex it was an act as a leash & i couldn't keep out of their mind. Always if get to know someone i attune and that bonds them to me, but the sex leash is that syncopation amplified.

Anyway, if he got drunk i felt drunk, high, just whatever he felt i also felt. Sex was otherworldly. I mean for what i am and how i experience reality just kissing him was also a vehicle of Ascension.

So, one night he was late & had taken to drinking because being soul bonded to me was forcing evolution and i generally Madden those i connect with.  I was worried and i guess aatral projected myself to him. I had nodded off so obviously not that worried and woke abruotly as i threw my consciousness toward him.  I arrived in the scene only to discover this girl ,i already regarded as threatening even had the not shared my birth date, was seducing my boyfriend and i was there for it. There for it like in the both of them but also in the room.

When he walked in the door i went off that ib knew what hed done.  That i was there.  And he had been in my life long enough to know that i have that im god and the devil so it's not as if he ever had any inclination to try to convince me i was imagining it.  When he was fiddling with the things on her dresser that was more me that he.  Shit wentv South fast after that but i didn't consider that first time i was present for the intercourse of my sexual partner to be traumatic.

The second person i had sex with it was an intentional attempt to let my first boyfriend off his leash. Our soul contract had been completed and we couldn't be together.  I was pretty up front about what my intentions were.  He was so much like me, like my little brother, that it was practically masturbation. He, like me, had just had the one high school sweetheart sex partner.

Having sex in a fwb way did work to get some distance orbwalls put up between mine and my furst bfs soul. The guy began to exhibit that he wanted more than friendship but lived far and for that reason we didn't really entertain it.  Oh yeah i had alcohol in my system for some or all of our hookups. Wed drink and then eventually stop ignoring how much we lusted and liked one another.

I felt different and sensed that i had taken on traits of basic girl & attribute that to his basic simple normal first gf. It was ok because i ided as male and that's not my form now so it was balancing and fine.

My next partner was a co worker i wanted to date but didn't want to destroy.  But while i was near blackout drunk & he was drunk he pulled me into my bedroom during my party and we had sex.  The only gf i had, this was how she got boyfriends was they hooked up and then dated and i was trying to be normal. Hence the drinking.

Anyway we had sex a few times and feel asleep in the same bed.

We awoke to ghe callsvof work neing robbed.  That had been s reoccurring dream of mine for months. I dreamed vividly of the place getting robbed and wanted that to happen so i could be shotb and killed and get out of hell. It seemed clear that there was a connection twixt the bad thing we had just done and the very scene i sculpted over and over finally manifesting. I switched shifts to have that party and it wasb supposed to be me getting shot.

That boy had just the one gf too and that was ghe case for everyone .

I was their second. So even factoring in the whole my soul is enmeshed in the soul of who they previously had sex with the number was low.

Third guy didn't stop loving me and wanting me for years after but given our rush to the crime scene post sex he didn't want to go steady so we never dated.  He finally contacted me to inform me he needed to eternal Sunshine me & he moved on.  I think of him often and feel a loss. A loss of self.

Different guy same thing but with him he and i were sharing dreams and fateful encounters before hooking up.

Ive taken on 3 sweet smart good Christian girls thru the 3 guys i had sex with.  I wanted deeply to be with them but they were soul mates & timing was just off. The third guy has waited till marriage and list his virginity proper and cheated on his wife with me.  We were best friends who had sex twice.  He culds been the one if only i had asked him to leave his wife. I didn't. She left him later. Fled the country in fact.

So the next guy is the one.  The one.  Same deal hes had sex with one other girl. A half black internet long distance ship sitch cuz they liked the same music i spose.  Sex was the best. My third eye was more open and he and i experienced an epic spiritual development & he saw that i knew things and felt things and was more than a typical human.  Love like ive never known. Powerful co creators.

My health has been declining since losing my virginity to a cancer.

I knew i had cancer. Surgery confirmed it.

But that got better. I got worse. Found out i had chronic lyme & endometriosis & severe nerve damage and my thyroid was shutting down. I basically experienced menopause and then male puberty. 

Following a psychotic break of mine, my one had sex with an internet stranger.  I've been a member ever since. She was not pure. And it doesn't seem to matter that he had sex with her AFTER me. I still got plugged into her.  And here is why.

I was there for it. I was present more for that session than the first time i projected to catch my bf cheating.  It had been years since i was able to have sex.  It feels like i possessed her because that's how bad i wanted to have sex with the love of my life twin soul. 

It woke me and it felt like i was turning inside out. I felt huge and small and 2 dimensional as i left my body and as i returned.  I had recently gone crazy and wanted to dismiss the experience as having not been what it was.  Like on another plane my boyfriend and i made a connection that was vital and over due. But it happened.

It's like i became tainted from it.

Then i was raped by a guy who has a daughter with a different girl who my first bf only dated and like the girl he cheated on me with, this ex wife of the guy who raped me also shares my birthday.  And the daughter they made is the same name ss the cat daughter my twin soul and i had first. Our cat dropped dead around the same time my rapist (who i thought was soul mate friend) and the girl with my birthday had their daughter. As it so happens. Their daughter was conceived while the both of them were completely drugged up and he was done with her, didn't love her, but didn't want to stop fucking her cuz she was convenient and he didn't think he could get another girl easily.

So, like neither of them were there for the conception of their daughter but im pretty sure i was.  It became clear that any and maybe every sex dream i had were actually just other people i was enmeshed with having actual sex.

So when my twin soul and i parted ways and hadn't even been talking for a month he hooked up with another slut from the web & then i wasn't in half asleep states or anything soft. I was ripped out of where i was and despite efforts of meditation & spells & trying to stay in my body i was tormented by this participation in my exes life.  My ex who i love still and who is absolutely the one person im here for, who i live thru chronic illness hell for.  Its one thing to miss someone and a whole other to be lonely and horny and having sex thru the guy you miss via the drug addict hes fucking.

I get alarms.  Like a maddening piercing fire alarm that goes off when he gets close to fucking another girl.  But so far he's only been snowed by grifters and drug addicted mentally ill broken girls.

Theres no me. Theres us.  Alarms scream at the threats to us. It feels like im being ripped apart by reality now.  Like that first slutty girl with her masonic Temple money drops was just the way to get to me. Powers that be? Illuminati?  I was of great potential threat to them and they had to putbme down.

I think i they target those of us who access realms like i do. Those of us who can push dominoes. 

Cuz i know im god. Am everything. Am not bound by linear time .

And just like thst a doiderbis on me.  Im sftaud if them.  All insects.  First spider of the year as i type this. Make these truths of mine public.

I think they can use waves to cripple my body . And to an extent my mind.  I am i rate form rn.  Mostly i am a brojen pathetic mess post antiosychitics being forced on me.

Last night i used the kilkswitch to get to skeep.  And miraculously awoke lucid.

I don't know if this is the right place for this.  But i needs to be somewhere and i don't know how to help myself out of this. 

I need your help. 

(Ibwrote thisnin reddit shamasmbbjt it wont post. Im kokogged in but posts of mine wont postbronreddit so ibcant use it)